Grandma's First Year
Ever since I had the slightest grasp of language, your words have lived in my mind in your inimitable voice. Your consistently wise musings and humorous cliches won’t be forgotten by me or any of us blessed by your love. We count those as some of the many gifts you gave us while you were alive.
On this day, we celebrate one year of the end of your life on this earth. Celebrate, because of how long we had you; celebrate, because you were reunited with those on the other side who had been waiting patiently; and celebrate because your suffering is no more. The end of your suffering made this difficult transition a bit easier for us.
This first year we have gotten together to celebrate your life in a few iterations. Whether I was able to attend or not, I know your presence was strongly felt every time. The clearest example was likely you flickering and dimming the light above our table to let us know you were there with us to wish your youngest daughter happy birthday, her first without you. As a group or any two of us in conversation, or just alone in our thoughts, we’ve grieved and mourned your loss in too many ways to count and measure.
Your presence has graced my dreams at least twice a week since you passed. Not once did you dispense after-life adventures or your well-being or advice. They instead mimicked how life was when you were alive—holding court wherever you went, tending to whoever was visiting, all with your body independent the way it used to be.
With rare exception, the settings of these dreams were true to life representations of what your house, my house, and your apartment was like. In those dreams I was aware of your death but happy to be with you and your spunky personality again. When I’d wake up, my smile of interaction with you via dream was paired with melancholy in the pit of my stomach for it merely being in a dream. Still, I don't want to stop having them.
Missing you won't ever be easy, but is getting better due to the gratitude I practice of having you in my life till my mid-30s.The love you demonstrated and satiated me with will sustain my soul many lifetimes. The way you continued life without grandpa for nearly 22 years was admirable. You missed him immensely but forged ahead and lived a fulfilling life, which has largely informed my template for living without you and to bask in the memories instead. And we sure had alot!
The last gift you gave me was a huge insight to my writing process when I wrote your eulogy. I couldn’t have gotten that priceless education any other way. Paying tribute to you the best way I knew how, then going totally out of my comfort zone when I read it aloud it at your funeral completed my catharsis. That experience and resulting feedback boosted my confidence and resolve to make this my career, and has continued to be a galvanizing force as I endure the drudgery that writing can often be.
Your support of what I enjoyed and wanted to do with my life never ceased, nor did your belief in me. I know the rest of the family and those you chose as family can say the same. Stating extreme gratitude is not enough to express what your boundless love meant to me and the rest of us.
Happy first year in heaven, Flo Baby. The legacy you left behind is alive and well thanks to your words and examples. We love and miss you.